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Oscar gave us a quite a scare this year. With international conflict
looming and a vague directive sent from On High to “tone things
down,” there was idle talk of cancellation and it looked as though
our traditional Oskar Nackt proceedings just might be in jeopardy…
But, o, not to fear! All the Whos down in Hollywood got their Oscars
this year. The tall and the small, the thin and the skinny, some came
with diamonds, some came without any! They arrived in their gowns with
electric cars humming, the war hadn’t stopped the Oscars from
coming! It came with less glamour and nine tenths the glitz, it came
without designer name dropping or gratuitous tits. And what happened
then? Well…in Hollywood they say, Jack Valenti’s heart grew
three sizes that day! So…maybe the Oscars don’t come from
a store. Maybe…perhaps…they mean a little bit more? I think
the stars taught us the Oscars just might, so Happy Oscar to all and
to all a… yeah right!
O sweet, silly movie industry, will you never cease to overestimate
your own importance? So, Hollywood was worried that a lavish self-congratulatory
awards ceremony in the face of international strife might seem…what?
Tacky? Inappropriate? Too late Hollywood. It is kind of sweet, though,
that the Academy thought it laid claim to these vestiges of good taste
in the first place. In my book any evidence of seemliness was laid quietly
to rest during the ’89 broadcast when Rob Lowe sang his immortal
“Proud Mary” duet with Snow White. (And, okay never mind
about the Rob Lowe/Snow White part, why PROUD MARY?? What does
that song have to do with ANYTHING? It wasn’t written for a movie.
It wasn’t -I don’t think- featured prominently
IN a movie… I am weak with confusion) But that said the Oscars
kicked ass this year!! Who’s with me? Yes, we had to make do with
a chintzy 3 1⁄2 hour broadcast, but those speeches! Those upsets!
This Oscars had me at Spirited Away.
On the fashion front this year’s “somber” proceedings
resulted in an unfortunate norming of the spectrum in which no gown
was especially hideous or fabulous. Despite considerable pre-show anxiety
over the “truncated” red carpet, it turns out that stars
were still allowed to twirl around and pose for pictures (because war
be damned, In Style’s gotta put dinner on the table) just no interviews
or milling around or pimping designers. Nicole & Catherine looked
tasteful yet unspectacular and Renee’s dress was pretty, I guess,
but she didn’t exude the right attitude for it. The sheer sparkly
gowns that Halle, Kate & Diane chose were a nice change of pace
and although I thought Diane’s had the best top, the ostrich feathers
drew an immediate red card. So, in a lightning two-year turn around,
like a phoenix rising from her worst dressed ashes, Kate Hudson ascends
to take home this year’s best dressed honors.
As for the worst... well, in a good fashion-watching year a usually
well-respected dresser (bonus points for an it-girl) will wear something
so ill-conceived, so unflattering, so mind-bendingly oogly that the
viewer is afforded a kind of perverse, gleeful schadenfreude composed
not only of the frock in question, but also the desperate, flailing
failure to meet expectations. This year’s “it” girl
Jennifer Garner showed up (sans wedding ring) in a prom-y light
blue number that didn’t fit quite right (seriously, she has the
frame of a linebacker... maybe she needs something with sleeves?) but
by no means anything to shake a stick at. Queen Latifa should have stuck
with her performance outfit, Cloris Leachman looked like she was being
eaten by a spider and Jennifer “naked is the new black”
Lopez stunned us all with a frumpy, sea foam green muumuu-cum-shower
curtain that -yes, was a copy of something Jackie Kennedy wore in the
1968- but A. the 60s are over, B. you ain’t no Jackie Kennedy
and C., D. & E. if this latest fashion gambit coupled with Benjamin’s
recent mouthing-off in the pages of Vanity Fair about his “political
(lord save us) aspirations” isn’t sounding the warning klaxons
to all and sundry that she’s positioning herself as some sort
of future first lady in a step towards her plan for total world domination…
then really, what will it take? Does she have to buy her own island
and name it J-Lonia?
The Worst? I won’t dwell. Hillary Swank. The underskirt was too
short for a formal event & the see-through tulle outer part was
too ballerina-y too soon after the Laura Flynn Boyle incident. It was
like the dress Molly Ringwald wears in Pretty In Pink when
she takes those two okay-looking dresses, draws that bad picture of
her “design,” hacks them apart, throws them together and
wears the whole thing to prom. That dress ruined the movie for me. I
can’t even talk about it. There’s not much I can say about
the men that I haven’t said before. Comb your hair, wear a BOW
tie, no black on black on black. Sigh. Best: Keanu. He wore a normal
tux. He looked sharp. I didn’t notice any cocaine-induced lip
sweat. (this time…) Worst: Sean Connery and the legend of the
lacy cravat. If he’d worn a kilt I might have let it
go…
As for the hosting I thought Steve acquitted himself rather nicely this
year. I don’t know that there was much evidence of him “toning
down” his act. It mainly centered around mean-spirited jabs at
Hollywood and its inhabitants which was pretty much his bag the last
time he hosted, and save for that camel joke nobody got and the uncomfortable
“wife-killer” comment (a Robert Blake reference?), I thought
he was pretty funny. His best bits came with the aid of the cameraman,
first fashioning a Brady Bunch-esque circle of stars he’d slept
with (starring Ann B. Ernest Borgnine as your center square) and then
“some stars are straight” (cut to Harrison Ford) “and
others are gay” (cut to -saw it coming, still funny- Jack). Jack’s
such a good sport though, it’s times like these when a pissed-off
Russell Crowe really comes in handy. In his stead the only non-laugher
we were left with was Salma Hayek, and god bless ‘er, it’s
probably because something was getting lost in the translation. I think
perhaps Shakira has a firmer grasp of the English language… really,
what do she & Ed Norton talk about??
Anyhoo, the big to do at this year’s Oscars were the “controversial”
political statements. Some stars wore peace signs, some wore expensive
abstract art dove pins and some wore ambiguous red, white & blue
boutonnieres that were maybe pro war but also possibly pro peace because
of the flower part or perhaps even a veiled shout out to France? The
world may never know. I was quietly hoping for one lone AIDS ribbon
to surface to serve as a commentary on the brief half life that is the
fate of the Hollywood cause du-jour, but alas, no. A number of people
made safe publicist-friendly pleas for peace while certain others like
Pedro Almodovar (the ONLY person to speak out against the war way back
at the Globes) and Gael Garcia Bernal (the hottie boy from Y Tu
Mama, Tambien) made comments that were a little more pointed.
And then there was Michael Moore who was neither foreign nor cute enough
to be allowed to have his say with a free pass. In the space of about
90 seconds his reception went from a standing ovation to stagehands
in the wings booing into the mics, which rallied boos from the balcony,
in turn setting off a wave of counter-boos to boo the booing all amidst
claps and cheers, resulting in a ruckus more chaotic than any one of
us could have dared hope. Mikey got cut off just as he was doing his
“if the Pope AND the Dixie Chicks aren’t on your side...”
joke which I suppose is just as well since he used it the night
before at the Independent Spirit Awards and I’m sorry, but
you’re nominated for an award, you get a $20,000 goodie bag, you
prep a fresh speech. All in all it was a nice little punch in the middle
of the ceremony to liven things up and it set up Steve for his best
off the cuff remark of the night involving teamsters and Moore’s
trunk but If I’m Steve Martin and I’m hosting the Oscars
and I know there’s a decent chance Moore will win, then I come
with that joke -or something close to it- in my front pocket. I’m
just saying...
The presenters this year were a mixed bag. Some seemed a little out
of place due -I’m sure- in no small part to the wave of 11th hour
cancellations that came in the day before and others like Matthew McConaughey
announcing Gangs of New York were right on the money. Because
nothing says New York like... Matthew McConaughey! Still others like
Colin, you filthy Irish lush, get out of my dreams and into my car!
Ferrell were tapped because of their flavor of the minute status and
admit it, you were a little disappointed that he didn’t swear,
weren’t you? My take on Colin Ferrell? Glad you asked. Crazy like.
a. fox. First, he doesn’t have a real Irish accent, even his brother
has said this, it’s more like an approximation of what he thinks
Americans think an Irish accent should be and second I think the “offhand”
profanity is evidence of a shrewd media savvy. It’s like when
Kevin tells Tim in Bull Durham that having unclean shower shoes
in The Show will make reporters think he’s “colorful.”
He wouldn’t show up on Access Hollywood (shut up. I watch it so
you don’t have to) every night if he kept it clean and as anyone
with their finger on the pulse can tell you, if there’s one thing
mainstream American audiences have embraced to their bosom it’s
profane foreigners. (whither the Osbournes?)
Although it kind of got lost in the political who-ha, the “diamond
jubilee” theme managed to hold it’s ground despite the lack
of diamonds... or jubilee. All the living winners in attendance got
to sit on stage and even though they just did this five years
ago it was... educational, because I KNOW you didn’t know Mary
Steenburgen had an oscar. There were a lot of historical montages which
are nice and I generally like my broadcast to be as long as humanly,
bearably possible -plus fifteen minutes- BUT. A reel of past academy
presidents?? O how I thrilled to relive those unforgettable past academy
president moments! Say there’s Karl Malden, and Arthur Hiller,
and Robert Reheme, you old dog! Has it been 75 years already?? As long
as we’re delving into weird meta-oscar self-referentialist territory,
can we not get a reel of Jack jump-cut reactions? You could fill a whole
show with those. Think about it...
So, onto the winners. Chris Cooper for supporting actor was no surprise.
People were talking oscar about this role from the day Adaptation
was released and the buzz never quieted down. Christopher & Paul
have already won, John C. Reilly was in every single movie released
this year... but he played the same sad-sack husband in all of them
(I’m assuming his mutton-chop cop in ‘Gangs was
also a sad-sack but I really wouldn’t know because when I see
previews for a movie FULLY ONE YEAR before said movie is released, then
I know better than to see that movie and take note Junior, if a studio
doesn’t have faith in a film then you shouldn’t either)
and Ed Harris... once again the bridesmaid and once again I can think
of nothing to console him. Maybe next year?
There was mild confusion when Sean Connery read only, “Catherine”
as the best supporting actress... although confusing only for Kathy
Bates. CZ-J popped right out of her chair without a moment’s hesitation...
maybe Connery made eye-contact with her? When I saw Chicago I
didn’t think to myself, “what great acting!!” Buuuut
I don’t know, I guess she inhabited the role really well. I can’t
think of any other actress who would have done it better or as well
and as evidenced in even her T-mobil adds nobody does “self-satisfied”
like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Chris & Catherine both cried in their acceptance speeches, starting
a trend that would be followed by both their leading role counterparts
and that dear friends brings us to Adrien Brody. I might be going out
on a limb here... but I’ve had three+ weeks to meditate on the
broadcast and I have to say... this might have been the best oscar speech
of all time. In a gargantua upset (all the major booking houses in the
US & Britain had either Jack or Daniel winning) we get Brody mouthing
“Oh shit!” in response to his name being called and from
that point on one of the most delirious, ebullient, emotional, genuine
speeches of recent memory. He hugs his parents, floats to stage in a
daze, bends Halle backwards for a note-perfect movie-kiss not seen since
the likes of Gone With the Wind, has the presence of mind to
make a funny quip about “that not being in the gift bag,”
exudes true joy and gratitude, pays homage to the serious subject of
his film, silences the conductor (and not in an assy-Julia Roberts way),
invokes the name of God and Allah to make a heartfelt statement
about peace AND manages a shout-out to his homie fighting overseas.
Did this speech not have everything? Are not Adrien Brody’s upturned
eyebrows a more eloquent argument for peace than mere words could ever
make? Forget about the oscar, somebody nominate this boy for a Nobel
prize!
And poor, poor Nicole who had to follow him. She started off well. First
two words out of her mouth? Russell. Crowe. Thank you and goodnight!
But really, if that doesn’t say, “F-you Tom Cruise”
then I don’t know what does... (except obviously, f-you Tom Cruise).
So I guess Russ told her not to cry, which she immediately proceeded
to do -even going so far as to turn her back to the audience- then she
pulled herself together to give a speech about why art IS important.
She was obviously trying to reconcile concern over world events with
her attendance at a glitzy event by talking about the transcendental
power of film (because what we all need in these dark times is cheerful,
escapist fair like... The Hours) but she didn’t quiiite
pull it off. There are people who are not her who have made the point
better... but nice try.
Rounding out The Pianist’s trifecta upset were Ron Harwood
for adapted screenplay AND dun dun dun Roman Polanski for best director.
NOOOOBODY saw that one coming. Presenter Harrison Ford accepted the
award for Polanski in absentia and he got a standing ovation. A common
occurrence during the show was that every time something vaguely political
went down, the cameraman cut to Ed Harris & Amy Madigan to get their
take. For who among us can forget their arm folding and frowny-faces
when director, Elia Kazan got his lifetime achievement award? Like the
proverbial old lady in church who people watch to know if they should
be sitting or standing, our intrepid camera crew honed in on the Harris-Madigans
who were... standing! So to make things perfectly clear: testify before
HUAC? Sit and frown. Feed champagne and quaaludes to a thirteen-year-old
girl in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub then rape her repeatedly and
flee to France (apparently RAPE is non-extraditable??) to escape punishment?
Stand and clap. Whatever would we do without the finely tuned moral
compass of Hollywood? Thanks Ed & Amy!
I’m thinking Scorsese & Chicago director, Rob Marshall
split the vote thus enabling Roman to eke by. And poor Marty, everyone
was telling him this was his year. This man should have an oscar, no
doubt. But not for this movie. He should have won for Goodfellas
the year Kevin got it for Dances With Wolves and everyone
knows it and there’s nothing anyone can do about it now. I think
the lesson learned is that Marty needs to make a film whose subject
matter will allow academy voters to assuage their white liberal guilt,
but quick, lest he end up with a consolation lifetime achievement award
a la Peter “I don’t want it, no wait, okay I do” O’Toole.
That or bring some other 20+ years in the making project to
the screen against seemingly insurmountable odds.
Finally, best picture, Chicago. Who knew?? Actually by this
point in the broadcast it seemed possible that The Pianist
might just have hijacked the whole damn show, but the bookmakers made
good and Richard Gere got to stand up AGAIN and make a federal case
out of hugging the winner like he did with EVERY OTHER Chicago
winner because I’m sure you’re really that buddy-buddy with
the dude who mixed the sound. What is this, The Globes? Group
hugs have no place within these walls! Anyhoo, Harvey, who was holding
court like Jabba the Hut and emanating his “it’s good to
be the king” stink as potently as ever, practically cattle-prodded
poor Rob Marshall up on stage in yet another Globesian breach of etiquette.
I think he felt pretty sheepish standing quietly by as producer Marty
Richards gave his acceptance speech but at least he got the Director’s
Guild award which is STILL more than we can say for Scorsese. ouch.
Oscar’s greatest moment? Well it would have been the
reaction shot of Halle’s husband had the cameraman not dropped
the ball... so we’ll just have to settle for the kiss.
fin.
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