Hey everybody!!!
Ready to get fatter than you already were? Ready to pillage the kindness of strangers by taking all their candy? Ready to test that Texas arm of yours with some rotten eggs? Yar? Then put on your eye-patch and give me an “Arrgggg” ya Scurvy Bastard! ‘Tis Halloween!!!

The Skullface loves him some Halloween. Know why? Well, there are two reasons. One, I eat up the candy like you've never seen. Usually I take my haul straight to the blender, throw in some ice cubes, some tequila…oh man. Set for the night! Two, I have a thing for girls dressed like maids/cheerleaders/nurses/cops/military personnel/teachers, and unless I'm hittin it up Vegas style, Halloween is the only day of the year where my erotic fantasies can come out to play.

Hey! I bet you think I have no problems with my costume. After all, I’ve got a skull for a face, so I don’t even really have to dress up. Good thinking dumb-ass. Like I’m gonna not dress up on the one day everyone dresses up. I know I’m beautiful, but that doesn’t mean I have to miss out on all the fun.

So just like every other year, I go looking for that perfect costume that’ll make me the centerpiece for whatever party I choose to go grace. And just like every other year, I find nothing but a bunch of bullshit, badly conceived costumes held together by cheap fabric and crappy masks. Why do costume makers put us through all this? Are they trying to convert us to communism? Cause this is definitely the dark side of “choice”. Not all of us have rich uncles to help make those kick-ass homemade Frank The Bunny outfits, you know. Some of us are at Wall-Mart’s mercy.

Luckily, just around the bend from Wall-Mart is a little place called Hastings. You may not know about it, but it’s there. And if you really want something special this Halloween, Hastings is your best bet. They have, and I don’t know how they got ‘em, but they have the scariest costumes I’ve ever seen (at least if you go by the picture, which I’m forcing you to). Just look below and you’ll see what I mean.

As for me, I’ve just decided to go as Superargo and be done with it. I know, I know. You’re jealous. Hell, you should be. It’s a good damn idea! The beauty is that while I’ll be dressing up as him, he’ll be dressing up as me. Not only that, but we’re doing a Halloween show at The Bottleneck, so you can come out and see just how kick ass our costumes are! Be there-e-zoid or be trapezoid!!!

Zombie Cheerleader

If this piece of work comes to your doorstep, I don't think candy's gonna do the trick. You're better off handing over your first-born and running like hell! I've got the hots for her in a sometimes-I-cut-myself kind of way. The sad thing is when I opened it up (because I wanted to pee on it) I was shocked to discover that the massive head is not actually a part of the costume. All you're getting is pom-poms and the crappy outfit. So that leaves us with the haunting question…did they enlarge some girl's head or was the poor beast just born like that? Man, god's a funny guy. But watch out cause he drinks more than Andre the Giant and he likes to get handsy. Plus, check out this awesome tagline…

The Skullface hates no-win situations. Like Vietnam. Man that sucked.

Shrek

If I had one nemesis besides face-skin, it would have to be that loveable ogre, Shrek. I'm glad this costume's out, just more ass for me to kick. Hear that kids? Wear this one and you'll be getting all kinds of up close and personal with The Skullface. And THAT's what makes this costume scary Just ask your buddy with the Donkey costume.

Once again we have an example of unfortunate head-size. If the world’s children population were all messed up like that guy from Mask, this would work out great. But since only 20% of our children are fucked up like that guy, we gotta wonder what these costume people are expecting. Even the worlds biggest Shrek fan is eventually going to have to concede, “Mommy, this costume just isn’t looking right.” My favorite thing about this one is the idea of a kid wearing it without the mask. You’d look like the village idiot in a SNL sketch. Plus, the way this kid is standing just isn’t hetro-possible.
Parents, don’t give Shrek any candy. And laugh while he’s forced to eat his own hands. Hey! While we’re at it let’s have a look at that donkey…

You gotta hand it to the makers of this year's Shrek costumes. They know how to make a kid look retarded. This donkey kid should be forced to watch his parents have sex on top of his candy.

Sexy Nurse

I just wanted to show off my arm candy…That's the kind of Halloween candy grown-ups get.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I like the turtle costumes, but you better be careful when choosing which one to get. For instance…

Raphael here is looking pretty good. Notice how the head is proportionate to the rest of the body. You even get weapons. This is a kick ass costume. The Skullface recommends.
Now look at the Leonardo…

Whoa. Gnarly.
Last I heard, three things segregated the Turtles: bandanna and belt color, personality, and weapon. I don’t remember Leonardo looking like he just spent nine months puking his guts out. He’s pale! Real pale! Like, Casper the Friendly Ghost is making fun of him. How was this decision made? And what do the other two turtle costumes look like?
Kids, if your buddy bought the Leonardo costume, accuse him of racialism, cause they’re obviously afraid of being dark. And remember: popcorn balls, if aimed at a pressure point, can be deadly. WARNING: Anyone wearing this costume assumes the role of a ninja. Therefore, it is their duty to flip out as much as possible while watching out for pirates and the real ultimate power kid. Of course, if you’re dressed up like Leonardo, you’re probably too scared to fight. Wimp. Give me all your candy!

Superman

Not scary, but it makes me laugh real hard.

Ghostbuster

Yes, this is scary. It's scary when you're used to your Ghosbusters being out of shape cigarette smoking New Yorkers, only to have them replaced with this Maxim model wannabe. Is it me or is this guy's body get smaller the further down it goes? How are you going to chase ghosts when you're shaped like a baseball bat? However, this is the one for you kids to watch out for. Especially if you're going as something supernatural. He may look harmless, but that's real hardware he's packin and it'll eat your lunch whether he knows how to use it or not. It has a mind of it's own, you know. We all like to have a good time, running around town getting candy and shit, but there is always someone out there trying to police the party. And that's just what this Ghostbuster guy does. Mark him well, for he is your Halloween enemy. Kill him if you need to. That shit's legal on Halloween. Don't quote me on that or anything, but I think it's true.

So that’s it. I’m all costumed out. Me and my crew had a good time taking these pictures, even though the models we asked for never showed up. You might think a lot of the photos are riddled with glare. You are gravely mistaken. That’s demon essence seeping out, and if underestimated, it will leave your body without meat or skin. Just like your old pal, The Skullface!!!

See ya later everybody! Have a drunk and sexy Halloween!!!